Ex-nurse: I helped people abort their babies and I’m living with that guilt

Ex-nurse: I helped people abort their babies and I’m living with that guilt

We published two stories on abortion a while ago – here and here – and the story below is a response from someone who has asked that we publish her story as it is.

I work as a nurse in a hospital. I have been a Catholic since I was a kid and I was raised in the Catholic belief. When I got married, I started to slowly stop going to church since my husband was not Christian (pagan). I was 20 when I met him and at the early stage of our relationship we committed fornication. Three months into the relationship, my menses delayed. Then I decided to have a pregnancy test after three months of delay. The result came out positive.

My life was taking a big turn. I was just 20 years old and didn’t have a stable job. My partner was stressed out and insisted I had an abortion. We went to a private clinic in town but it was too costly. We both started to ask friends and searched for help. We tried some traditional methods like eating a lot of pineapples, and bought some ginseng and herbs from the pharmacies. Then, one of my friends from a private clinic introduced me to a pill and after discussing it with my partner we decided to abort it by ourselves. My friend offered me the Cytotex pill (for gastritis treatment). Apparently, it can help abort pregnancies if taken in a big amount (10 tablets) at one time.

So I took the pills, as instructed, in the early morning.  Eight hours later, I started to feel pain in my stomach and I was having loose stool. I felt very uncomfortable. My stomach was squeezing badly and I almost passed out. After having the pain like for half an hour, suddenly I felt something coming out from my vulva. I rushed to the toilet and found a handful of fresh blood. I was so terrified and scared and asked my friends to send me to the hospital.  

When I arrived at the hospital, I was warded for three days and diagnosed with pelvic inflammatory disease and discharged after completing a dose of antibiotics. I never told the doctors about the pills. So they treated me as a PID (pelvic inflammatory disease) patient.

Since then, I introduced the pill and helped others who wanted to abort their pregnancies. For me, as long as it didn’t harm the person, I thought it was safe. Moreover, it was because some of them offered a lot of money, like 10 pills for RM800-RM1000. For 13 years, I supplied the pills to nine people. The last abortion was in 2015 for a young girl who was 17 years old. She came to me with her family (parents and sisters) begging me to help them. (She got the pills illegally from a supplier but could no longer contact him. So she managed to find a new supplier through the internet.)  

She (the 17 year-old) told me it’s only three months old and I agreed because it’s still under three months of age. We booked a hotel room. I asked her to consume the pills early in the morning. I left them at the hotel room until she felt something at the stomach then she should give me a call and I would assist her. Four hours later she said she felt so much pain in her stomach but nothing came out. I asked her to wait another four hours but still there was so much pain in her stomach. She barely could stand the pain. At 8pm the same day, she said she wanted to go to the hospital because it was too painful and she almost passed out. So we sent her to the hospital. When we arrived at the A&E (hospital), the doctor said she was giving birth to a premature baby. The pregnancy was seven months. I was panicked and the incident was a nightmare. The baby only survived for three months and then pronounced dead. I was truly sorry.

After my husband died five years ago, my life totally changed and I started to seek for God’s forgiveness. I was physically tortured by the sin I had committed for almost 14 years. There was a time I had a dream of a baby burning in fire. It really impacted my everyday life. As I continued to pray, and I had been confessing my sins for so many times the feeling of guilt was still there.

I decided to adopt a baby to help me lessen the burden of guilt. But still I felt it wasn’t good enough. I went through a few counselling sessions with some of my spiritual guides and it is getting better but still, some of the time it still strikes my mind. My dream is that the kid I am raising today and, in the future, will serve God. Sometimes when I am too lazy to pray, I look at my child and I would pray harder just to say thank you for giving me the child. I promised myself I will raise her with the love of God.  Amen.